Hero's demons
by partyyyyyy
Summary: Barry Allen just came back from Flashpoint. What happens when he finds out all the changes made because of him and goes in a downward spiral?
1. Chapter 1

*I do not own the flash.

**Story happens after flashpoint.

I stumbled upon the porch in front of the house of celebration as Eobard Thawne brought me back from Flashpoint. Is anything different from when I left? Or more importantly, will anything be affected because of my irrational decisions?

Guess we'll find out.

The bell hanged on the other side of the door rang as it signaled my entrance.

"Barry, hey! Where have you been? We were just talking about you!" Iris, my girlfriend when I left, rushed forward and pecked me on the lips.

"Oh...I was just-"

"Never mind that. Come on in, son!" said detective Joe West.

Huh. So far nothing much has changed. That's a relief.

I couldn't possibly be more wrong.

The next morning, I walked into star labs, wearing a huge smile on my face, only to find Cisco in a sobbing mess. I tip toed over to see Cisco clutching a photograph of his brother in his hand very very tightly. Caitlin looked at me extremely furiously, a look that made me flinch as my heart started beating erratically. Does she know about Flashpoint? But that wasn't what scared me the most.

That glare, was an icy glare. The Caitlin I knew couldn't possibly have given me that look. Why did it look so familiar? Then it clicked. Killer frost. She's given me that look multiple times. But Caitlin doesn't have powers, does she?

She stormed over, grabbed me with huge force, pulled me aside and whisper-shouted angrily, "Where the hell have you been? Why haven't you been answering your phone? I thought Cisco and you were brothers, and brothers are supposed to be there for each other! How could you do that after what just happened to his brother?"

"Wait what...what happened to his brother?"  
She gave me an intense cold stare, one that made me back off a few steps.  
"He died in a car crash, 3 days ago. He started..."

The rest of the words she say fade out, as I digest the new information.

Flashpoint. Cisco's brother's death was not an accident. He wasn't meant to die.

I killed him. This all happened. Because of me. I killed him.

What else has changed? Did I kill more people?

Ignoring Caitlin's furious rant, I rushed over to Star City, looking for one Felicity Smoak. If she is still in Team Arrow, that is.

Lucky for me, she still is.

I told her about Flashpoint, and asked her to tell me if anything has changed. Then I found out that Dig now had a John Junior instead of Sara. And who knows what else has changed.

Again, her words fade out, as I ran. I don't know where to, or why, or anything. I only know one thing through all the racing thoughts in my mind.

All this mess happened because I happened. I made all this mess. I am the reason to all this. I was granted with a gift, one that thousands and millions of people would kill to have. And yet I chose to abuse that power, with total disregard of the consequences and repercussions. I failed. I failed Dig, I failed Cisco, and who knows how many more people's lives have changed because of me. What an arrogant prick I was. What was I thinking? Stupid, idiot, irrational.

I didn't notice where I was standing, neither the tears rolling down my face.

I have managed to fix all the messes I created before.

This time, I created a problem that couldn't be fixed or changed.


	2. Chapter 2

I wandered through the streets till the late hours of the night, then returned home.

The Flash. What an ironic name to give to a huge criminal. My phone rang for the umpteenth time during the hour, all the calls from Caitlin trying to reach me. Telling me to comfort Cisco, but I couldn't do it because every single time I look at him it reminds me of what I had done to his family. Diggle and Lyla were supposed to have a baby girl Sara to honor the memory of Sara Lance, and now they couldn't do that as well because I took it away and turned their baby into John Junior. And yet, Iris is still my loving girlfriend and I still have a caring dad-detective Joe West. My family hasn't changed in the slightest bit. It isn't fair. Why do I still have all this when I have inflicted so much pain in other people's lives and families? Why do I deserve happiness?

I walked into the bathroom and my gaze flickered to the razor lying on the sink.

My mouth quirked into a smile, a sadistic one even. The answer is simple, really. Because I don't deserve happiness. What I do deserve, is to be punished, and to feel multiple times the pain I inflicted onto other people.

Swiftly, I removed the blade from the razor. The metal glinted under the dim light in the bathroom.

I slid the blade across my wrist. Blood started beading up from the wound. Then I did it again, only deeper and this time, blood started flowing out in a much quicker speed. I did it again multiple times and hissed from the pain. It was unbearable, yet welcoming. Strangely enough, I also felt relieved. I snapped out of my thoughts and tidied the mess i created then stared at my wrist. It's a bad time to be doing this really, seeing as it is summer, but I heal quickly anyway, and I'll just make sure to be careful enough not to be caught.

My phone rang again. This time, I picked it up, and sped out of the house, on my way back to star labs.

Caitlin and I were comforting Cisco, whispering lies into his ears when a metahuman struck the city. This meta could control the electric current. He would shut off all the electricity in the city, rob the banks then turn it back on, leaving us no way to know his location. However, according to Caitlin, last time he left behind a piece of cloth during his attack, giving something for Cisco to vibe with. Needless to say, once we got his location, we caught him successfully and put him in the pipeline.

That was how life when by day by day. I'd cut, go to work or star labs, then meet with Iris, then cut before bed. That was what I called normal. I'd even bring a razor with me if I feel particularly bad or anything one day, risking the chance to be caught, to feel the relief flooding through the blood. Part of me wanted to get caught actually, so they'd think I'm crazy and send me away, far far away. Until the dominators attacked us. That was when all hell broke loose.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey I'm back again! I'll try my best to write longer I promise!**

 **INTERLUDE~~~~~~~~~~**

 ** _Caitlin Snow's POV_**

Ever since that night when Barry acted very weird, when he forgot about what happened to Cisco's brother, he's been acting very unusally. He'd have dramatic mood changes, from extremely chipper to suddenly really sad, and guilt is evident in his eyes. He's also been acting withdrawn, he used to be very cheerful and everybody would be attracted to his charisma. Now, he plasters on fake smiles and pretends to be happy. He just hasn't been himself. But since that night, something's been different about me too. I would be very very snappy, and give icy glares that I didn't think could give. Then a few days ago, I discovered that I had cold powers. A part of me even had the urge to kill people. But I didn't tell anyone about this yet...

 _ **Cisco Ramon's POV**_

Barry has been acting suspicious. One moment he was comforting me the next he's saying that he didn't know what happened. Sure he might have memory flashes with all the running he does, but that drastic? I don't think so. One time, I accidentally brushed through his hands, then I saw a bathroom and a puddle of blood. That was a very dark vision, and I never forgot about it, but it creeps me out to even think about it. I wanted to tell Caitlin but she seemed to be dealing with some things as she kept zoning out recently. So I kept it to myself. One thing I know for sure, is that I cannot tell Barry about this. He's had enough on his plate, being a superhero and all...

 _ **Iris West's POV**_

I am worried about Barry. He disappears into the bathroom very early in the morning and stays there for a whole hour. Then the same thing happens at night. He is always glum and fidgets a lot. He knows he can tell me if anything is wrong right? He puts on an act for everyone. Sometimes, I can even hear him crying into the pillow at night. He zones out a lot and was a lot less chipper than the Barry I used to know. I can feel him slipping away...

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I cut a lot more over the past month. However, I couldn't avoid the scrutinizing gazes my team give me, like they're analyzing me. I even have to avoid Cisco in case he vibes me now. I cannot let anyone discover this secret. Not. Anyone. Especially not Iris. Sometimes I feel like she's seeing through me. The blade is the only safe place I have now, and I cannot let anyone rip it away from me. My team are starting to get suspicious and are sneaking around me. They have to learn to leave me alone...

 **BACK TO THE DOMINATORS ~~~~~~~~**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I called in Team Arrow, team legends and Supergirl to fight the dominators together. Later, during their training, I found a USB with an audio that future me sent, which is absolutely eerie. Anyway, I listened to it. Turns out, future me recorded all the changes after Flashpoint. However, Cisco overheard the audio, thus knowing everything about Flashpoint. He looked at me with tears in his eyes, and asked me if it was true. I couldnt bring myself to say it, I just couldnt. So I ran. To my blade. I added more lines to the wrist that was already marred with scars, each one inflicting pain I know I deserved.

When I came back, everyone was looking at me. Cisco yelled at me and told me to tell them the truth. I couldn't run anywhere this time. I pushed the fresh wounds to make myself feel pain as tears streamed down my face and I told the story. Everybody looked at me disbelieving me and once again, I had disappointed everyone. I should probably go kill myself or something so this world can be less complicated without the main troublemaker. I looked into each and everyone of their eyes: shame, disgust, disbelief, anger, etc etc you name it. I lowered my head, trying to make myself as small as possible. Then with the smallest voice, I said "Do whatever you want to me. I totally deserve it." I expected everyone to come charging at me, and to be honest, I do not mind at the slightest. Nothing happened, everybody stood rooted to the ground. Probably too shocked. I let out a humorless laugh, then sped out of the room an ran. Once again, I don't know where to, or what, I just ran.

 ** _Green Arrow's POV_**

The room broke into heavy discussion once Barry sped out. I totally understood how he felt. Everybody expected the hero to be perfect, but they forget the fact that heroes are humans, and humans make mistakes too. I have to go find Barry, but first, I have to calm everyone down.

"Guys!" I shouted,"Now is not the time to panic!"

The room broke into further bedlam. Shrieks and shouts filled with rage echoed throughout the room.

"He erased a daughter from my life!"

"He killed my brother!"

"He can't just go back and alter events like that!"

What they do not know, however, is the weight of guilt, and how bad he feels. I can see it in his eyes. This has been tormenting him for a long time already. He feels lonely, dejected and doleful. Just to add a cherry on the icing, the president has been abducted.

"OK! CALM DOWN!" the room fell silent.

"Thank you. Now the president has been abducted. You guys go find him and I'll go find Barry."

"Let him rot in his own misery, we don't need him anyway!"

I could not believe this. We are a team. How could they just turn on their team mates like that?

"Just go find the president. I need to talk to Barry alone." They tried to protest again, but I left no room for debate. So they left it alone.

 **meanwhile with Barry**

It's understandable really, their reaction. If I were them, I'd have the same response. There simply isn't a way to justify my actions. A razor blade doesn't cut it anymore. I need something more. Passing by a construction site, I see a thick sharp metal with a pointed tip. Without thinking, I jabbed it into my thigh with immense force. I couldn't suppress a painful shriek emitted from my vocal cords. I have never felt such pain before, not ever, even when I was fighting other metas.

Just then, an arrow shot into the wall and a person slid down through the wire. Must be Oliver, but I don't want to be saved. Everyone need to learn to leave me alone. I guess he didn't care, because he scooped me up and took off anyway. Where to? I don't know. But I could care less. Dark spots started to cloud my vision and before I know it, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was back in star labs on the bed. I immediately tensed and heaved a sigh of relief when I realised I was still in my red outfit, meaning nobody had seen my scars yet. The next thought is: I have to get the hell out of here. They cannot find me.

No such luck though.

"Don't even think of getting out of that bed, Barry." Oliver's face came into view.

I struggled to sit up. Pain flared through my thigh. Then memories of the event came rushing back to me. Speaking of, I have to get out of here.

"It's ok Oliver. I heal fast. That is in the speed gift package. Moreover, it's not like any of you even care. Try and stop me, you won't be fast enough."

Oliver just laughed, then said,"We have to go to a meeting the dominators scheduled with us. A lot has happened during the time you had your little nice nap. I'll fill you in as we go."

Turns out, the meeting was a trap, saying if I turn myself in, they will stop the attacks.

Which of course I was more than willing to oblige. I finally have the opportunity to fix this whole mess, naturally, I'll take it.

The rest of the team? I don't know, but it is highly likely they will have the same jurisdiction.

 **Ok thats it for now. I hope you enjoyed or liked it. I'll be updating in a moment so stay tuned and review! thx luv all of ya and please forgive my bad English.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys I know it's been a while, but I'm back. Trigger warnings. And lot's of grammatical errors. Sorry for the bad English. But still I hope you enjoy! New chapter coming up soon!**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I let Oliver lead me to the room as I sit down on a chair. My presence seem to have interrupted their heated discussion. It is fine really, I should accept the offer. I have always wanted to save the world. Now is my chance to do it and try to right the mistakes I have made by creating Flashpoint. It is a rare opportunity, and the world would be so much better off without a major troublemaker anyway.

I limped forward to make one final announcement.

" It's not up for debate, not even close. It's fine really. You guys make sure to keep the city safe, alright? This city needs the heroes like all of you." I spun around and left. I'm finally getting what I deserved, and finally free from the pain.

"Barry, I am not letting you leave." Said Oliver, determination evident in his voice. Well that is hilarious, seeing if I bolt out this room, despite having a limping leg, nobody would be able to catch me.

"That's rich Oliver. Based on what army?" I quipped. Can't you see nobody wants me there, Oliver?

"This one." Kara answered.

You guys are making a huge mistake without even knowing it. Keeping me here would only bring more troubles. You are making a decision that you all would definitely regret. Let me go, all of you need to learn to let me go. You don't need me to be here anyway. I'm exhausted so stop trying to stop me from getting what I deserve!

But yelling that in everyone's faces would only make them suspicious, like the nosy people we all are. So, I let them make me stay. My walls slam up and I plaster on a fake smile.

"Very inspirational, really Oliver." I chuckled as he engulfed me in a bear hug.

Professor Stein strolled in holding a small device in his hand, claiming it to have the ability on bringing huge amount of pain onto one once implanted on them. Making sure nobody's watching, I sneak one into my pocket. I will be needing that once this dominator business is dealt and done away with.

Sara came and brought news, thus begins the war between the dominators and the earthlings.

It's a simple job really. Run and tap. Run and tap. Run and tap. Nothing I haven't done before. The whole business ended within 5 minutes.

Everybody is back in the room, celebrating our victory. Correction, their victory. I caused all this mess and what have I done to help? Break the news to everyone that I changed their present lives and their future lives. Saying sorry a million times cannot even begin to compensate the losses of their families. Once again, proving how keeping me is an erroneous decision. I limped back to my chair as my fingers brush against the small device I kept in my pocket a while ago.

 _Oh._

I'm going to have to study how this thing operates, or if it really brings indescribable pain.

 _ **Green Arrow's POV**_

I was speaking with Kara when Cisco tapped my shoulder and asked if I had some time. He looked very worried and claimed whatever he was going to tell me was urgent. Then he brought me to Caitlin and Iris.

"We are worried of Barry's odd behaviors. Lately, he looked very distant. Every time we asked if everything was okay his response would be "I'm fine, don't worry."" Iris began.

"I even had this weird vision where his bathroom floor had little puddles of blood." Cisco commented.

"Okay…and how exactly am I related to any of this? I mean not that I do not want to help, but you guys are practically his family, if anyone were to confront him, don't you think it should be you seeing as you know him so much better than I do?" I enquired.

"Well, I don't know. Aside from the fact that you are a superhero and, according to Felicity, has also gone through the same thing?" remarked Cisco sarcastically.

"Okay. I'll go talk to him."

I know how guilt feels. I can see it whenever my eyes cross paths with Barry's. His eyes are full of sorrow and misery, and great pain.

I strode over and pulled up a chair opposite to Barry's. His eyes glazed over, not noticing my appearance.

"Hey Barry, look at me." He looked at me. I shuddered. It was like looking at a mirror, seeing my former self. In a huge amount of pain and that guilt, so much guilt. It was dragging him down, I could see it.

"Your friends are worried about you. They said you've been acting out lately and wanted me to talk to you. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Oliver. Leave me alone, I need to think about some things." Barry snapped, annoyance dripping from his voice.

"You know you can talk to them, or even me when you need someone right?" I asked carefully.

"Yes, yes, whatever Oliver. Now go." He answered, looking anxious.

I stared at him for a couple more moments, then stood up slowly and dragged the chair back where I found it.

"So what did he say?" Iris rushed forward.

"He was annoyed but he knows that he could talk to any of you if he has a problem." I replied.

We all turn our gazes to see Barry fiddling with something in his pocket, looking at nothing, his mouth quirked into a small smile.

What is wrong with you Barry? Why won't you speak to any of us?

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I let them get too close. They could see through my act now. I have to be more mindful on whatever I do now. I can't afford to let them find out my secret, not when I've gone this far. I need to shut them out, put them at arm's length. Why can't anyone just leave me alone? They need to learn to leave me alone and butt the hell out of my personal life. It's not like it's any of their business anyway. I'll only create more trouble for them if they come near me. Anyone who is involved with me will be badly affected, and I don't want that to happen. Why can't they just see I'm doing this for them?

 **So that's it for now. Stay tuned new chapter up soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ok I have decided. This will be a fic around 10-15 chapters. Although I am pretty sure all of them will be short. I'll try to add more to the plot and write longer. I apologise in advance for the short chapter.**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

First order of business—break up with Iris.

I cannot risk her walking on me doing… stuff.

I love her so very much. I really do, but I'm doing this for her. She'll be better off with some other guy, far far away from me. Her life would have been so much better if she hadn't stumbled upon me. Everybody's lives would be so much better without me, eliminating the risk of me changing their present or future situations.

It pains me to do this, it really does, but I do not have another choice. Everybody needs to be as far away from me as possible. I will ruin those lives of who come in contact with me.

So when I am sitting across Iris in a coffee shop we call CC Jitters, it is so hard to get those words out of my mouth.

"Iris… I…I…am really really sorry for doing this…" I started, tears blurred my vision and threatened to fall. But I cannot let them fall and dribble off my face. I cannot show her my weakness, or she will stick her nosy nose into my business, which will hurt her and cause disastrous consequences.

"But…I can't be with you anymore… I have been very selfish and have not for a second considered how dangerous it is for you to be with me… I mean you could get hurt or killed because of me…" I trailed off, looking at Iris' face for the first time since I started this conversation.

"It-it-it's ok Barry, I don't mind—Is it me? Or whatever it is we can fix this—" Iris stuttered.

"No, Iris. I'm sorry, I don't want to be doing this as well. It pains me, physically and emotionally, but I don't have any other choice. I have to keep you safe, and you are not safe with me. I'm sorry, and I assure you I will always love you, but… but if I am the Flash then I can't have you…" I sniffed. "I don't deserve you…" I added very softly, hoping she didn't catch that.

She looked at me and the pain was so bad that I couldn't even bring myself to return her gaze. How pathetic and worthless. I laughed inwardly. She couldn't possibly understand that I did not have a choice… I couldn't let her see what is inside me.

She stood up and the chair scraped against the rough floor. Then she left. Probably forever. I don't know. And to be honest at this point I don't care. All I know is that I lost her.

With tears streaming down my face, I bolted to the bathroom, to the safety of my blade, the one thing that offers me comfort.

 _ **Iris West's POV**_

The first thought that came to me after the break up was go to star labs and talk to Caitlin and Cisco. I was actually surprised that Barry didn't do this sooner. But I couldn't leave Barry alone in this state. He broke up with me not because he didn't love me anymore, but because he was hiding something. I had known he was hiding something from all of us for quite some time now, but what is it he's hiding? Why has he been acting this distant and not telling us anything? What is the reason behind all this?

Most importantly, what caused him to change this drastically?

I stalked into star labs, quickly announcing the break up.

We need to find out what's wrong with Barry no matter the cost. And could care less about whether Barry wants our help, but we are going to help him get through this.

"We need to find out what's wrong with him. Cisco, you told us you vibed a vision of him before. Can you do that again?"

"Yeah, okay. But I have to have something personal of his." Cisco answered, concern written all over his face.

"Can't you just use his suit?" Caitlin asked, looking up from whatever she's working with on her computer.

"Yes. That will do."

I couldn't stop pacing while the two of them got ready. I even came up with a few explanations, none of them being something good or positive. Caitlin seemed to have noticed my distress, as she came to comfort me.

"I'm sure Barry is fine, Iris. You need to calm down and stop fretting over him."

"Yeah okay... You done yet Cisco?" I questioned impatiently.

"Yes. Okay here we go…" He put on his glasses and touched the emblem of his suit. Intense silence filled the room until moments later…

"No! Barry don't! Don't do it!" He removed his glasses as he gasped. Whatever he saw must have frightened him to his core because the next thing he said was

"We need to get to Barry's house."

 **Not much of a cliffhanger but there goes ch5. Will be updating tomorrow so stay tuned and review please. Sorry for all the grammatical errors.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys. Here's chapter 6 as promised. Sorry for the bad English and grammatical errors in advance. And I hope you enjoy it!**

 ** _Cisco Ramon's POV_**

I have a bad feeling about vibing Barry's suit. But whether this hunch is accurate or not? Guess we'll find out.

I put my hand on the emblem of Barry's suit, then I found myself in the same situation as last time. Same room. Only this time...

Barry was the one bleeding, the one making those blood puddles. But who hurt him? And why didn't he tell us? Then I saw the razor blade clutched in his hand tightly. Then everything became crystal clear. His odd behaviors, emotionless speeches and the distant look in his eyes...

How did we not see this coming?

Then, Barry put the blade on his wrist and slid it across again. Blood started gushing out like a waterfall.

"No! Barry don't! Don't do this!"

Then I was thrown back to reality. Still shaken by the image. So vividly seared into my mind. The Barry I know would not do this to himself. He would talk to us, and seek reasons.

Iris and Caitlin looked at me, concern written all over their face.

"We need to get to Barry's house. Like, right now." I exclaimed as I grabbed my coat.

"What happened?" Iris asked with a crease in between her brows.

The look I gave must have been one of distress, because then Caitlin said,

"Cisco, you are scaring me."

"I'll explain as we go. Barry is in danger." I began as we bolted out of the lab.

"From whom?" asked Iris in panted breaths.

I stopped running and spun around,

"From himself."

No words needed to be spoken, as we all moved towards Barry's house in full speed.

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I sat in the bathroom, fiddling with the small device. Or stupid device that I couldn't get to work. I chuckled humorlessly. Am I really that much of a failure that I couldn't even get a simple device to work?

Seems like we'll be going back to the old fashioned way then. I picked up the blade from the counter, then played with it for a while, organizing my thoughts.

Now, everybody I care about knows about Flashpoint, knows how stupid and irrational I am, and knows how worthless and how much of a failure I am. How am I still to be trusted with superpowers? Or even to be trusted at all?

Again, the answer is simple. I don't deserve to be trusted.

I slid the blade across my already scar-marred wrist, digging deeper than I had ever done before. I hissed from the pain, although indescribable, is welcoming. I embrace the pain. If I do not have control over my emotional pain, which don't get me wrong, I totally deserved, then I at least have the power to control physical pain I feel. I let out a relieved sigh.

A small puddle of blood began forming underneath me on the floor, and I smile at the sight.

I think about my team, and Iris. I definitely cannot let them come close, or catch me doing this. Well I don't think they'll ever know anyway. I just broke up with Iris, which to her, is totally out of the blue. She could care less about me. Then I killed Cisco's brother, the revelation of that just makes him hate me like the murderer I am, and he definitely doesn't care about me. Hell, he could even want me dead, and if so, I am so very willing to oblige. As for Caitlin? Seeing me destroying the lives for her close associate should make her despise me. In conclusion, nobody should give a damn about me, and my personal life does not interest anyone in the team at all. Which is why we infer that nobody would find out about my little secret.

A small click of the front door alerted the presence of unwanted personnel. I quickly cleaned up the bathroom, making sure to leave no evidence behind. Then I turned the doorknob and opened the door, only to come face to face with one Cisco Ramon.

"Hey guys, what are you doing here? I was just gonna head out to star labs. Care to join me?" I asked, praying so very hard that they don't see through my facade, or break down my walls. I needed it, I needed the safety of my blade, and they CANNOT take that away from me.

They looked at each other awkwardly, still trying to come up with a believable explanation on why they're standing outside my toilet.

"Well, we, we were just-"

"Walking past by the neighborhood, and then Caitlin here said she needed to use the washroom-"

"So they brought me here. I hope you don't mind Barry?" Caitlin enquired, staring deep into my eyes.

If I let her in, she might search my washroom and god knows what she might find. On the other hand, if I don't, my suspicious behavior will give them a reason to question me further, and ask me questions I do not know the answer to, then start following me around like the media does to famous people. Why oh why, can't people just leave me the hell alone?

"Sure." I put on a smile and stepped out of her way.

That put us in awkward silence. Until Caitlin stepped out, ready to go. I heaved a sigh of relief, thinking that she didn't find anything.

Again, I was wrong.

 **There goes. Crappy chapter and short one I know. Sorry for all the grammatical errors. And I hoped you enjoy. PM me if you like, if not please review! Thanks!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys! Short chapter I'm sorry, but I hope you like it! Sorry in advance for the crappy language and grammatical errors. Hope you enjoy!**

 _ **Caitlin Snow's POV**_

I walked into Barry's washroom and locked the door. As quietly as possible, I rummaged through the cabinets. Not long later, a box of razors popped up, an open box of razors with 3 missing. Then I saw a cloth covering a box. Taking a deep breath and bracing myself for the worst, I uncovered the cloth, and suppressed a gasp. A stash. Of razor blades. Unopened. Behind them hid blood stained cloth. With fresh blood. Barry must have heard us entering his house.

As much as I hated to admit, the vision Cisco vibed was the truth. How long has he been doing this to himself? And why? I looked at my watch, and realised I don't have much time left. Quickly, I put the things back to how they originally were, then took one of the razor blades. I'd have to run some tests on this later.

I stepped out of the bathroom, smiled at them then said,

"Let's head out, shall we?" Iris asked.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go." I replied.

Throughout the whole trip, I kept silent. What was Barry trying to achieve by doing this? And why didn't we realise the signs sooner?

But I know one thing for sure. Whatever this is, we are going to help Barry.

 ** _Iris West's POV_**

Soon after we arrived star labs, Barry had to return to CCPD as a CSI member and do his job. Once he left, Caitlin pulled out a razor blade from her pocket, and told us what she saw when she went through Barry's stuff. If this were any other day, I would be furious about her invasion of his privacy, but now, we are not provided with any other choices.

Considering the situation, I called in sick for work today.

Caitlin ran some tests and found out there were traces of Barry's blood on the blade and that the blade was made of some special metals and that's why it's sharper than normal blades. Some science stuff I didn't understand.

Once the results were out, the whole room was filled with silence. We were all too shocked of Barry's action. Me? I'm still trying to wrap my head around this news. I guess I must have been crying because Caitlin walked over to comfort me.

"It's gonna be alright, Iris. We will help him."

Is it though? Will things really be alright? I fear it's too late to help him, or he's too far gone, and we can't do anything to save him.

 _ **Cisco Ramon's POV**_

So it's true. Barry really is hurting himself. I don't know what to think. Thousands of questions raced through my head, giving me a headache. But enough with the mourning. If we are really going to help Barry fight this, then we need a plan.

"So, what do we do next?" I asked, looking up for the first time in half an hour. My neck protested as it made a crack sound.

"We confront him." Iris said, determination shining through her eyes, fire roaring behind them.

Barry must have heard our conversation, or he just had perfect timing, because as Iris finished the last syllable of the sentence, he waltzed into the room, looking ever so cheerful.

Too bad it was all an act.

 **There goes another chapter. Well again, sorry for all the grammatical errors and please review! I will try to write longer but my phone is very low on battery and this chapter was finished in a rush. I hope you enjoyed it!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Well guys. I'm back. This is a really really short chapter though and I'm sorry. I hope you enjoy it though!**

 ** _Barry Allen's POV_**

The moment I strolled into star labs, I knew something was wrong. Why was Iris crying? And why was Cisco staring into nothingness, with a crease between his brows? Then I looked at Caitlin, and it clicked: She was holding one of my razor blades. That meant she went over my things in the bathroom, which meant she saw the cloth stained with fresh blood, which meant...

 _They knew._

Of course, first thing, was to deny that the razor blade was mine, no matter how pointless it seemed. So I put on a smile, and greeted everyone.

"What's up, guys?"

They averted their gaze from the floor, to me. Intense silence filled the room. I nearly forgot what I came here for until I saw my suit. Right. Crime fighting. There's a bank robbery in Central City Bank, and I need Cisco to fill me in and give me necessary data, for example hostage situation and if our big bad criminal is a meta human.

"So, umm, I came here because of a robbery in Central City Bank, and I need-"

"Barry, what is this?" Iris asked with a shaky voice and teary eyes as she held up the razor blade.

Inwardly I panicked. But then, panicking would just give me away, wouldn't it?

"I don't know Iris, but can we come back to that later? I need to help those people in the bank-"

"Stop pretending you don't know about this Barry! We found this in your toilet!"

My mind screamed at me to think of a believable lie. _Lie. Lie. Lie._

 _"_ Why are you going through my stuff? And stuff in my bathroom doesn't necessarily have to be mine now does it. It can be Joe's, seeing as he has a more serious shaving problem compared to me right? Now can we go catch the criminal robbing the bank?"

"Yup, Barry's right-"

"Thank you, Cisco." When did he start typing into his tablet?

"There is a hostage situation in the bank. But we will talk about this when you come back Barry. Don't even think about us letting you off the hook."

I groaned inwardly. For the umpteenth time, _LEAVE ME. THE HELL. ALONE._ Do you people not understand the word privacy? Going through people's stuff? I'd thought they'd be better than that.

That's how you wanna play it? Fine. I'll at lease have some time to come up with a convincing lie.

After helping those people in the bank, instead of speeding back to star labs like I usually do, I walked back. Coming up with a credible story is not as easy as it seems.

My best bet, it that they have forgotten about the whole deal.

Unfortunately, I am not that lucky.

"We need to talk." Three of them stood in front of me as I entered star labs.

Well, let the interrogation begin.

 **Short chapter again and I apologise. I was in a hurry cuz I have to leave for 4 straight hours of tutorials. Ugh. Again, sorry for the crappy language and grammatical errors. Please review! And I hope you enjoyed it!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys I'm back! I apologise in advance for the crappy contents and everything. Enjoy!**

 ** _Barry Allen's POV_**

" Ok, so what do you guys want to talk about?" I asked. Obviously, them forgetting about the whole deal not being an available choice anymore. Slowly, I slid into the chair opposite the three of them. This is starting to look like an interview done by the police department.

"Stop it, Barry. We just want to help you." Iris stuttered out with shaky breaths and red rimmed eyes. I broke up with her, I broke her heart, why was she still crying over me? Why? Stop it Iris, I don't deserve it. Just stop crying over me, because it's not worth it.

"Wh-what? Guys, you found ONE razor blade, because you went through stuff in my washroom which by the way, was an invasion of privacy, and just like, wildly assume that I use it to like, harm myself? I honestly thought you guys knew me better." I tried my best to remain calm and put on a facade, but my erratic heartbeat betrayed me. I'm pretty sure the whole room heard that.

"Do you want to know what else I found, Barry? Because I wouldn't mind telling you. I was just giving you an opportunity to admit your problem before we forcefully out you." Caitlin quipped, though I could sense her concern behind the wit.

Why do you guys have to care so much about me? Or just give a damn about me in general? Because I didn't think much about any of you when I went back and created Flashpoint on impulse. I didn't. I was a selfish brat who only thought about himself when he did that. Can't you see all this is my fault? Entirely my fault, and no one else's?

"Guys, I do NOT have a problem, okay. Just calm down. Just because you found a couple blades in my bathroom doesn't mean anything. Razors are daily necessities to all men. We need to shave. How uncommon is it to find a razor in a guy's bathroom?" I tried again, making their idea sound as ridiculous as possible.

"Really Barry? Then why don't you roll up your sleeves and show us your wrist? Or explain why you have been wearing long sleeves in a hot summer day?" Cisco challenged.

What do I do what do I do what do I do? Showing them equivalents to outing myself, but I don't have any other option at this point do I?

At some level, this might actually be better. You don't leave me alone? Fine. I get thrown into a mental hospital, where everyone thinks I'm insane but I AM NOT, and you all would be forced to stay far far away from me. I would be isolated, and that way, nobody would get near my perimeter and ever get harmed by me ever again. That sounds like a plan.

Slowly, I rolled up my sleeves, both of them. Then I lay them out in front so they could see, how much I've loathed myself for creating Flashpoint, how much I've tried to fix things but have no avail. Each scar represents the pain and attempts to solve the problem as well as the well-deserved punishments. Now that they see how disgusting and worthless I am, and how much of a failure I am, they would isolate me from them. Good.

Of course, again, my plan backfired.

Iris caressed the scars on my wrists and studied them very carefully.

Broken-heartedly, she whispered,"Why, Barry why? Why did you do this to yourself? You could have came to us-"

"No, I wouldn't have, because I killed Cisco's brother, Iris. I caused all of your problems. I create problems more than I try to fix. I am the reason all of your problems exist, because I created Flashpoint. And you really expected me to go sobbing to Cisco and explain how I killed his brother? I am surprised that you guys didn't try to kill me yet. Impressed actually. How hard was it to resist the urge huh?"

"Barry, we forgive you. We have for a long time. We don't even hate you. Why do you still do this-"

"Because I deserved it Cisco, I did. Nobody could know about Flashpoint, and the horrible, horrible irreversible mistakes I have made. I did not get any punishment I deserved, Cisco. Justice was not served. So, I served justice myself. Any more questions you want to ask?"

I glared at them. They all remained silent. Probably still processing what kind of monster I truly am.

"Good, because I have to go."

"You, are not going anywhere. Not out of this building." I have never heard Cisco speaking is such a serious way. Another side effect of Flashpoint maybe? I chuckled humorlessly.

"Let's not forget I have superpowers, okay. If I speed out of this building, none of you would be capable of catching me. The same superpowers that caused me to make erroneous decisions, that created this whole mess. Now if you'll excuse me, I-"

A dart hit me in my leg. Funny that these people think that a teeny tiny dart injury could stop me from speeding out. Idiots.

Black spots started to cloud my vision. Then it clicked. They just need to sedate me, put me to sleep, then do whatever they want with me. Seems like I'm the idiot here, as usual.

When I woke up, I was strapped to the bed in the lab like some kind of wild animal.

And Cisco, Caitlin, Joe, Iris and even all of Team Arrow, crowded beside my bed, which might as well be a cage.

What's next? What else do you people have installed for me? Because you see, telling me it's not my fault isn't gonna help. I'm gonna do this my way, and none of you would be able to stop me, even if you tried.

Because I'm hopeless.

 **Crappy content, chapter, grammar and language. I am so sorry guys. But I still hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter coming up soon, stay tuned and review! Thanks.**


	10. Chapter 10

**As promised, chapter 10. Again, sorry for the crappy content and the grammatical errors. Stay tuned for the next update, and hope you enjoy this chap!**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

My eyes glazed over as I met the gazes of the people standing by my bedside. They strapped me to the bed, rendering me hopeless to whatever they're going to do. And what is team Arrow doing here? Waiting to shoot arrows in me to get revenge for Diggle?

Caitlin must be a mind reader because just then, she held my hand and soothed me. "Barry, we are not going to hurt you. You have a serious problem, and we want to help you."

I scoffed, pretty loudly I might add. Help me? When did I ever say that I needed your help? And isn't this getting old? I have seen enough movies or read enough novels to know that every single time, that is what they say. "We wanna help you" "We wanna help you" I would have told them to shove it, if it weren't them being so nice and kind to me despite all that I have done to them.

"Save it. You have me strapped here like some kind of lab rat. What is it next huh? Testing the regeneration speed of my cells? Or is it my scar tissues? Tell me, because I have to prepare myself." I quipped. Why do you people insist on helping a person who doesn't want to be helped?

"Barry, please. We all love and care about you very much. No matter what you have done in the past, it's all over and you can't change it okay? Beating yourself up because of it won't change anything." Felicity pleaded, tears in her eyes.

"Barry, you have to learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. I'm not telling you to belittle it, but that's how we learn, even superheroes right? We overcome obstacles, and become stronger. From an experience, we grow wiser. Holding it against yourself won't do you any good." This time it was Oliver.

"Very inspiring, Oliver, nothing I haven't heard before, honestly. You guys just have to let me do my thing, and leave me the hell alone, pretend you didn't know about any of this. Nothing happened, and we can resume our normal lives, okay? Sounds good?" I asked, annoyed.

"Barry! You know very well these people care about you very much. Doing this, it's just plain selfish! Like Oliver says, you just have to learn to forgive yourself, get over it, because even heroes make mistakes." Joe, a person I have always treated like a father figure. Guess you don't know me that well after all.

"Really? So now I'm just supposed to "get over it"? Why don't you tell that to Cisco, or Diggle? I am pretty sure that they are resisting the urge to punch me in the face every single time they see me, isn't that true? Isn't that why I am strapped to this bed, to be their personal punching bag?" I cannot let them continue speaking this crap, because whatever it is, it's working. I can feel my resolve cracking. This has to end, and quick.

"Barry, we have forgiven you a long time ago," Cisco started, unstrapping me from the bed. "Or at least I have. There are tons of people I could blame for my brother's death. The driver that ran him over, even himself for not watching where he was going. You, are not the reason why he's dead, Barry-"

I started laughing hysterically. "You're funny Cisco. I know you are feeding lies straight to my face. How, pray tell, do you do that, and still be a little tad convincing? Because I'll have to learn that in order to keep you people out of my personal life. " I chuckled as I patted the non-existent dust off my shirt and sat up. Secretly, I loved this comfort. Oh how I have missed this. Someone, anyone, to hold me tight as I cried freely, telling me it'll be alright, that everything will be okay, and none of this is my fault. Fortunately for me, I have given up that right the moment I put on that suit, because I have to be invincible, to fight all the bad criminals. Everybody expects me to be strong and tough, and I couldn't just go sobbing to Iris or my team every time I made a mistake, expecting someone to hug me close. That only exists in a fantasy, and we have to be realistic here.

"But Barry, can't you see? Nobody here is blaming you. Your powers, not only did they save people, but they have also given our citizens hope, and someone to count on, to rely on. And sometimes, it is a heavy burden. You also deserve happiness. You have helped so many people, allowed them to get back safely to their families, and you want that too, don't you? Which is why you created Flashpoint, isn't it? Because you missed your mom. Barry, you are a superhero, but you also forget, that superheroes are humans too, that you have emotions too: happiness, jealously, emptiness... My point is, you have to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault-"

With tears streaming down my face, I lifted my face and yelled,"But how Iris?! It is easy for you to say, but it IS my fault! It IS my burden to bear! Every single one person I couldn't save, that was my fault as well, because they relied on me, and they TRUSTED me, and I betrayed that trust! That is exactly what happened regarding Flashpoint too! It was MY fault, because you all TRUSTED me, and I BETRAYED that trust, and I hurt EVERYONE close to me! Every single crime that happened after Flashpoint, that might not have happened, if I hadn't went on and created Flashpoint for my own selfish desires-"

"You don't know that Barry! You have to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault, because not long later, you will collapse from the weight on your shoulders." Iris tried, slowly walking towards me. Like I was some sort of dangerous animal that might strike at anyone coming close. "You can't keep second guessing yourself. You can't keep thinking what if this, what is that, because you can't changed things that has become history."

By the time she finished that sentence, she was already in front of me. She crouched down, looked me in the eye, then said, "What you can do, is learn from past mistakes, as Oliver said, and keep going. Even hero's have their demons, Barry. But doing this to yourself, that is not going to fix the problem."

As she put her hand on my shoulder, heat radiated throughout my whole body. The walls I put up came crashing down, and my facade cracked and broke into a million pieces, unable to be repaired.

"I'm sorry," I whispered brokenly. "I'm so so sorry." I mumbled as I collapsed into a sobbing mess on the floor. Then Iris held me in her arms and hugged me, telling me everything was gonna be alright.

"I'm sorry that I killed your brother and ruined your life, Cisco. And I'm sorry that I changed your family Dig, I'm really really sorry." I started crying even louder. Then everybody pitched in for a huge group hug.

"It's okay, it's okay Barry, we forgive you." And tons of other comforting words were whispered in my ear.

But they don't know that I am so far gone, so broken. I am like glass, shattered into a million pieces.

Does anyone really care enough to waste time and energy to piece me back together? Will anyone?

I honestly doubt that. After all, easier said than done.

 **Okay, I'm sorry I know it's crap but I am just not that good at writing angsty stuff, and I'm new to all this. First try after al, was hoping you'd understand. I also might have changed this to a 20 or so chapter fic, I don't know. But please review, and I hope you enjoyed!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! I'm sorry I haven't been updating as frequent. I wanna thank all the reviewers for all the encouragements and positive comments. I appreciate it a lot. I so wanna be in the San Diego Comic Con so I can meet all these amazing actors and actresses in person! But guess what? Life has never made anything easy for us. So instead I'm drowning all my sorrows in baking. Or writing. Not that I'm particularly good at any of them but I am trying. Once again sorry for the crappy content and all the grammatical errors in advance, and I hope you enjoy.**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

Soon later, Team Arrow left, wishing me luck. Then everyone turned their gazes at me. And here comes the moment that I have been dreading for a long long time.

"So, what will you do now, Barry?" Caitlin enquired.

But what do I say? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I don't know if I could still be saved from myself. I don't know anything. And I am so tired, tired of pretending, tired of lying to everyone's faces. I don't want to lie anymore. So that's exactly what I said.

"I don't know." I whispered, more to myself than answering Caitlin's well-raised question.

"Why don't we get out of the lab, go back home, and let Barry get the night off, have a rest, and maybe we can talk about this...tomorrow?" Cisco started.

They all turned and stared at him, shocked by his seemingly ridiculous suggestion.

"What? I'm just saying, Barry's probably exhausted, both physically and like, emotionally right? Shouldn't he like-"

Caitlin nudged him in the arm, telling him to keep his mouth shut.

"Okay, I'll just you know, stop talking."

"Barry," Iris walked over and linked my arm with hers. "Do you mind me staying over tonight?"

Which is coded for I'm-staying-over-to-make-sure-you-don't-do anything-stupid-and-I-don't-care-if-you-don't-want-me-to-because-you-don't-have-a-choice.

"Sure," I mumbled weakly. I am starting to get dizzy and I just want to go home and sleep and maybe never wake up ever again.

Now that they found out, I have two choices: either I try to get better and quit, or I be more cautious around people and still do it when they are not watching me like a hawk. I don't know. I'm just so tired tonight, and I just want to shut down, and stop thinking. I guess I'll just make the decision tomorrow, it's not like I'm gonna do it tonight anyway.

As soon as we entered my house, I fell face flat onto my bed and fell asleep. Just when I thought I was having a dreamless sleep, I woke up from a nightmare where Cisco was yelling at me, calling me a murderer and screaming profanities at me and how he wished I was dead.

Without thinking, I leaped up, raced to the bathroom and used a new razor blade to slice my skin open over and over and over again, crying as quietly as possible throughout the entire process. But the tears subsided quickly because after blood beaded up from my injury, a weird sense of relief washed through me, calming me down and bringing me peace. However, there was something new in this bundle of emotions, something I had never felt before, and that was guilt.

Which is why I am squirming under the scrutinizing gaze of Iris. We were sitting across each other at the coffee shop, and she had been talking about her colleague or something when she noticed the distant look in my eyes, staring off into nothingness.

"Barry," And once again, her soft voice fills my ears. Why did she have to treat me so well? Why can't she just leave me now that I have broken up with her? I don't want to hurt her, I really don't, but I can't stop, I realise that now. It was an action based on instinct. Running of to the safety of my blade was intuitive. And I'm dangerous.

 _Oh God. I'm dangerous. Just like the wild cats in their cages._

I started fidgeting. Nails dug into my arm, breaking the skin and drawing blood. I suddenly found the table very interesting as I stared at it.

"You did it again, didn't you?" I expected her to be furious, but instead she her voice was comforting, which is what caused me to break down, tears spilling over like a sprinkler.

"I'm sorry, Iris. I didn't mean to, it's just that I-" I cried, then started panting.

"Shhhh...shhhh, it's okay Barry..." Iris was by my side the next moment, hugging me close to her.

I felt the embrace, so warm, so reassuring, so much like my mother's. I mumbled string after string of incoherent words as I whimpered in that promising hold, so strong, yet so gentle. I clutched it like it was my lifeline.

After a while, I stopped crying like a 5 year old. Everybody looked at me like I have a mental problem or something, causing me to flush from embarrassment. How weak and pathetic. I took a look at my watch. Oh gosh, as if today wasn't already bad enough. I was 2 hours late for work, and captain Singh does NOT appreciate tardiness of his workers.

Either Iris is a mind reader or my facial expression told the story, because she said, "I called in sick for you earlier today."

I heaved a sigh of relief, grateful that I do not have to face an enraged captain Singh's ranting.

Together, we walked home in silence. I expected no one to be waiting for me, so I was surprised when I saw Caitlin and Cisco outside my door, waiting for me.

"Hey Barry, buddy, how you doin today?" Cisco asked as he pat me on my shoulder.

I must have looked horrible after all that pathetic crying, because Cisco cringed when he saw my face.

That bad, huh.

The four of us went in, and I got tea for them all. Iris gazed at me, eyes questioning if she could tell them what happened this morning. Listening to the story very nearly made me burst into tears all over again.

"Do you want to talk about it? Because we are all here for you." I could sense the sincerity in Caitlin's voice.

I do not want to disappoint them, but I'm not ready for this, not yet. I can't with Cisco there. So I shook my head.

"I'm not gonna lie and tell you it's gonna be easy, because it's not." Cisco began, getting immediate slaps on his shoulder from Caitlin and Iris.

"What? He needs to hear this. Look at me Barry, look at me."

I lifted my head from looking down at the carpet.

"I'm not gonna tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't, but what I do know, is that you need to let it out. You can't bottle it up inside you, because one day, you will break, or snap. Talk to us Barry, we are all here for you. You know we love you."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not ready yet," I uttered, voice low and eyes downcast.

"That's okay Barry, just, come to me if you have any problems okay? Or just call me, whatever. I'm here for you okay? We're buddies right?"

I don't understand this at all. How are you buddies with the man who murdered your brother? Your family? Shouldn't you be plotting your revenge instead? Then that lead me to my nightmare this morning. And I felt that Cisco jabbing his finger into my chest, shrieking at me for killing his brother.

It's too much, too overwhelming. I need to get to the bathroom, stat. So I left without making further comment.

A couple minutes later, there were fresh lines on my wrist. I had been staring at it, fascinated by it even, when the door burst open.

I totally forgot that there were people here, and therefore forgot to lock the door.

"Barry, hand me the blade." Caitlin said, staring firmly into me.

I clutched even more tightly onto my blade, turning my knuckles white.

Iris came over and hugged me, prying the blade out of my hands. At the same time, Caitlin opened my cabinet and took all the razor blades.

"You realise that I could just buy more right?" I asked.

"Barry, even if you don't want to talk, please don't shut us out, please. We are your friends, and we all love you, and we just wanna help you, so please, don't shut us out." Iris said, on the verge of tears.

They took away my blades, and attempted to force me to talk. They even caught me in the middle of doing it.

Cisco's right, this isn't going to be easy.

 **I am really really sorry for the crappy content. I just couldn't get my mind straight today. Next chapter, I'll be including more Cisco/Barry friendship, so stay tuned. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and please review! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Crappy grammar and content I know. My head's not in the game and I apologise for that. I have been watching supergirl for the past 3 hours so my head is kinda stuck. For that I apologise in advance, and I hope you enjoy this chap!**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

Once again, we went back and sunk into the sofas. I held my hand out as Caitlin disinfected the wounds. Iris was crying softly, and Cisco's expression was undecipherable, like he was confused, hurt and shocked at the same time. I lowered my head in shame and disgust.

"It's done." Caitlin muttered softly next to me.

"I want some alone time." I looked up, staring deeply into each and everyone of them.

I know I have disappointed them. I know that I have hurt them because they were there and I could've just talked to them I could have, but I ignored them. They feel like I don't trust them, but I do. I really do. I trust them more than anyone on this planet.

Iris started to protest, but I cut her off.

"Please. Just please." I whimpered brokenly.

I know they don't trust me with myself now, but I just have to have some alone time, to think things through. It's as if there's this huge grey cloud hovering over me, getting heavier and heavier each second, and any moment now, the storm will begin. I need to think it through before it wreaks any further havoc in my head.

Quietly, they took their belongings and left as the door clicked shut.

I don't know how much time had passed before I finally snapped out of my haze. I walked out of the door, wandering the streets, finding myself in a bar. How long has it been since I have been to a bar? Better yet, how long has it been since I have really been able to feel?

I guess all that really doesn't matter much.

Going in, I watched as people danced to the music in the bar. Some people made out on the couches while others downed liquor glass by glass, trying to drown their sorrows, I presume. I chuckled hollowly. Liquor doesn't even have it's effect on me anymore.

The colour changing lights swirled patterns on the ceilings, which made me incredibly dizzy. I stumbled and sat down on one of the tall chairs by the counter.

Look at me, how pathetic I've become. From crime fighting, to a self-pitying spoiled little brat that gets light headed by staring at the ceiling of a bar. Unconsciously, I knocked my head on the table hard for multiple times, until one of the bartenders stopped me. By then, everybody had paused what they're doing and stared at me like I was some kind of monster. If only they could see the inside of me, they would know what they thought was the truth all along.

"Demons Of The Flash." That would make an appealing headline. I giggled at my own joke. Oh how times have changed.

It's like what they say, how the mighty have fallen.

For the first time since I have gotten my powers, I wished I hadn't been that lucky one. I wish I wasn't granted this huge power, this huge responsibility. I miss the luxuries of being a human.

Perhaps it's my punishment. For altering the time line.

Unknowingly, I ended up in front of my house. Slowly, I slid in the key, turned it, then entered.

Exhausted, I fell face flat on my bed. And once, again, I have the same nightmare I had last night, the last month, even, maybe. I don't know, I haven't really been keeping track of time, and honestly? It doesn't really concern me. I woke up, drenched in my own sweat, whisper-screaming, blankets tangled around my legs.

The next thing I knew, I was standing outside Cisco's door, knocking.

A bleary eyed Cisco came up, opened the door, and asked, "What is it you could possibly want 2 in the morning?"

That's when it hit me. What was I doing here? I was about to turn around and leave when Cisco stopped me.

"Barry! What a pleasant surprise, albeit a little too early in the morning."

I ignored him and kept on walking, trying to leave this place as soon as possible. It's not like Cisco cared about my personal life anyway.

Cisco, however, did not seem to share the same concern, seeing as he came forward and dragged me in his house despite my protests.

I sat down as Cisco made 2 cups of hot chocolate. Or coffee. Whichever it is, it didn't really matter.

"What's wrong, Barry?

I kept silent.

"Oh, come on, you know the silent treatment won't work on me."

Again, I kept silent. I just wasn't in the mood to say anything. I sipped the liquid from my cup.

"Barry, if this is about my brother," he tried. And he must've knew it was indeed about his brother, because I tensed up and cringed.

"I want you to know that I don't blame you. Okay, I might have in the beginning, but then I saw things through. I forgive you. Barry, it was one mistake, and you have to stop letting it be your anchor. You can't keep blaming yourself for everything that had happened after Flashpoint, every mistake, every little detail. It is not your fault."

I looked up from my cup and stared at him. Some how, something that he said unlocked me.

"Umm... I uh... have had this recurring nightmare for quite some time that... umm... where you scream at me because I am responsible for your brothers death... and umm.. you said you would get revenge for your brother... and umm-"

My breathing picked up and i started panicking, and then tears started pouring down my face.

"Hey Barry. Barry calm down. Look at me. Look."

I looked at him straight in his eye.

"I would never, ever say that. Hell, that thought hasn't ever crossed my mind. Barry, you are one of the best people that I have ever known, one of the kindest, and selfless person. You are willing to do anything to fight for justice, and even if sometimes it might be dangerous to yourself. Although you are a hero, let's not forget that you are a human too. And humans, they make mistakes, they get scared and they make wrong decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the past is history, and you can't change that. The only thing you can do, is learn from your mistakes, stand up, and grow stronger."

I gave what Cisco said a good thought. Despite normally, he spits nonsense from that mouth, whatever he said just now made perfect sense to me.

"It's time you forgave yourself, like all of us forgave you, and stop beating yourself up over this."

That's what broke me. I started crying, and he just let me, offering me a tissue occasionally.

I am really lucky to have a great friend like Cisco, who would stick by me during my hardest times.

After a seemingly very long period of time, my tears finally subsided.

"I'm sorry. For waking you up and snatching your hours of sleep."

"Hey, now you need to stop apologizing. After all, that is what friends are for."

I wanted a confirmation, so I asked, "I killed your brother, and you consider me your... friend?"

"Okay, you have got to stop saying that. I already told you many times that I lost count, and I'll say this one more time, you are NOT responsible for my brother's death. Let it go, and come back to us, Barry, be the Barry we know and love."

I almost started crying again as he said those words. He really did care about me, didn't he.

"Thank you, Cisco."

"Anytime buddy, ain't that what friends are for? Now you can crash on the couch, I'm assuming you won't want to be alone after all that confession."

He went off, then came back carrying a blanket in his hands.

And I have decided. I will try to get better. I have to. For Cisco, for Iris, for Caitlin, and for everyone who cares about me.

I have to try.

 **Again, crappy content. It's like my brain is stuffed with tissue balls and I can't think straight. I have tried though I promise. Coming up next chap, POV's from his friends of his progress and further actions to be taken. Stay tuned and stick around. I hope you enjoyed this chap and please review! Thanks!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys m back! Spent 2 hours working on this so I really really hope it's good enough, or that you like it. Sorry again for the grammatical errors and crappy use of language. But I hope you see through all that and umm, enjoy.**

 ** _Third person's POV_**

"Dude, wake up, you're late for work!" Cisco yelled as he dumped a pillow on Barry's face, but Barry just turned away.

So Cisco went over and snatched the blanket and couch cushion, currently being treated like a pillow, away from Barry. Barry's head hit the couch, then rolled off the couch and slammed onto the floor with a loud thump.

"Wha-what?" He asked, rubbing his eyes and yawning, only to find Cisco clutching his stomach and laughing so hard that he started rolling on the floor.

"Bar-Barry," Cisco said in between giggles. "You have exactly 3 minutes before you are late. I could only imagine Captain Singh-"

There was a whoosh of air, and Barry was gone.

Cisco got thinking to how and why Barry ended up in his house. Then the memories of the previous night started to resurface. He sighed, then called Caitlin and Iris for them to meet him at Star labs.

"What happened, Cisco, and have you seen Barry? I have been trying to reach him for the past 10 minutes and-"

"He slept over at my place yesterday, and he just woke up about," He looked at his watch, then said "6 minutes ago." Then he remembered Barry rolling off the couch, and started laughing again. The other 2 girls could only stare at him in amusement.

"What, pray tell, was so urgent that you had to call us in? If you don't mind, I have to get back to journaling, Cisco." Iris said in a calm tone.

"And how, exactly, did Barry end up in your house?" Caitlin threw her bag onto a chair, seeming annoyed.

Cisco took a deep breath, then began narrating the incident.

 _ **Cisco Ramon's POV**_

"This morning, at about 2 am, Barry knocked on my door. So, I let him in. Turns out, he has been having this recurring nightmare where I threaten to kill him, to avenge my brother or something. So I assured him I would never do that, and told him to sleep over."

"Okay... and your point being...?" Iris asked.

"With this little conversation, I found out the probable reason, or at least one probable reason that he's been... hurting himself." I cringed as I said it. I still couldn't believe our Barry would do something like this to himself.

"Okay, let me guess, it's Flashpoint." Caitlin quipped, sounding bored.

I put on my best serious face, then "Flashpoint is part of the bigger reason. It's the guilt he feels. He thinks he is responsible for every single thing that has gone wrong since he came back from Flashpoint, and he keeps blaming himself. He puts the weight of the world on his shoulders, and eventually, it got too heavy and he snapped. And so he started... doing that. To himself."

"What did you tell him?" Iris enquired and stared me in the eye.

"I told him that he has got to some thinking like that because it isn't true. But that isn't why I told you this. Well, yes so you know how to comfort him. The nightmare got me thinking, if he hasn't been sleeping much, then I assume he hasn't been eating much, so then his weight dropped, he has less energy, and running around the city like that would be dangerous as he could literally faint, like, black out any time. He had huge bags underneath his eyes this morning, when he looked for me."

"We need to get him here and do a full body check on him, check his vitals, today." Caitlin said.

I shot Caitlin a weird glance. Recently, she has had really drastic mood swings, from really annoyed to caring and then back to being irritated or angered. That wasn't what scared me the most. When she was like that... it almost looked like... Killer Frost. And it has been happening more and more frequently.

I groaned. I'll worry about that later. For now, Barry. I've got a bad hunch about him after he left in a hurry just then.

Buddy, dude, I'm begging you, please, please, please do not slam the door shut in our faces again, after opening up about it. And please, don't do...that to yourself, again.

 _ **Iris West's POV**_

After the "meeting", I called Barry and told him to stop by star labs at 3, then I headed off to work.

At half past 3, Cisco called me and said Barry didn't show up, so I headed to to his lab in the CCPD to drag him to star labs.

I strolled in, prepared to give him a good earful, only to find him passed out on the floor.

"Barry!" I gasped, then fumbled for my phone in my pocket. I dialed Cisco'd number frantically and told him about what happened, then tried to wake Barry up. A couple tries later, he stirred.

"Ugh. Where am I?" He moaned.

"Hey Barry. You passed out just then. Now, Cisco is on his way, and we'll get you to star labs okay." I soothed.

"What are you doing here, Iris? Aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"Yeah well, you see, I called you this morning and told you to get to star labs by 3, then at 3, Cisco told me you didn't show up, so I came to take you there."

Speaking of, Cisco came running into the room, out of breath.

"Ohh, ohh, thank goodness you're alright. I don't even know how any of us are supposed to get you to star labs. Here," he shoved a fruit bar into Barry's hands. "Eat, then we'll head out."

"No. Why don't we just go now?" Barry whined.

"Look man. You are pale, out of breath, and have you forgotten that you're a superhero with super speed that has to consume about 10 thousand calories of food each day? And you just passed out, dude, PASSED OUT. So shut up and eat." Cisco lectured.

With a heavy sigh, Barry began to nibble on the bar. I guess he didn't really know how hungry he was, because moments later, he began to shovel it down his throat, and within seconds, he devoured the whole bar.

"See, I told you so." Cisco began. "There's more in the lab, but this should be enough to keep you going for now. Let's go."

I expected to walk there, but Barry seemed to have a different idea. He clutched Cisco and me tightly, then with a blur, we were at the lab.

"Hey, Barry. You alright?" Caitlin asked, not looking surprised by our entrance. It appears that she has already gotten used to Barry whooshing in.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Great, now I'd like you to step on the scale."

Shrugging, Barry trudged over and stepped on it. The numbers didn't seem good, because instantly, Caitlin's smile bent into a frown.

"Right, I'll just need your blood for, um, testing."

Barry immediately tensed up. I'm guessing it's because he didn't feel comfortable with Caitlin prodding his scars with a needle.

"Can I just, do it myself?" Barry asked timidly.

"I'd prefer to do it myself Barry. Please?"

Barry started fidgeting, and mumbling strings of incoherent words as his eyes darted around the place. Then his head dropped down, and I could see he was trying very hard not to cry.

"If you don't mind, can Barry and I have a minute?" Caitlin nodded at me, then dragged a protesting Cisco with her and left the room.

I walked over slowly, then sat on the bed.

"You did it again, didn't you." It was a statement more than a question. Barry tensed.

I was about to say that he couldn't hide anything from me, but then he managed to hide this from me for a couple months, so really, I couldn't say that, because it isn't true. I began to feel guilty. All this time, how could I not notice? How could I not be beside my boyfriend, comforting him when he needed me the most?

"Can I see?" Barry's head shot up at my seemingly ridiculous suggestion.

"Please, Barry, please."

Reluctantly, he slid his hand forward to me.

I pulled his sleeves up, then suppressed a horrified gasp. On his already marred wrist, there were a dozen fresh red lines.

I took his wrist, and I kissed everyone of them gently. My actions must have shocked him, because he stared at me, surprise written all over his face.

"How could you love me, Iris? I'm so disgusting and repulsive, how do you not-"

I cut him off, putting a finger on his lips.

"Stop those depreciating comments Barry. You are the most amazing person I have ever known, that's why I chose you as my boyfriend. You have to stop thinking like that. Let me help you."

He started sobbing uncontrollably, and in between, he managed to utter out, "I can't Iris, I just can't. It's all my fault, it's all my fault..."

I gave him a hug, and rubbed my hand up and down his back.

"Barry, things happen, and it's a flow of life. You cannot blame yourself for what happened, okay. Barry, honey, listen. Live your life to the fullest. Do not mourn in your past mistakes, because mourning over them cannot change anything. What you can change, is the future. Stop punishing yourself, sweetie."

That only seemed to have made him cry even more. He held onto me even tighter, and continued crying.

Eventually, when his tears subsided, he let go of me and stared at the floor.

Gently, I lifted his face up to look at me.

"Barry, next time you feel like doing it, please just call us, any of us. Whether it's 5 am in the morning or 12 midnight, it doesn't matter, I'll be there, we'll be there. I know you will feel guilty for waking us up, but you don't have to, because we are willing to do it for you."

"What did I do to deserve someone like you?" He murmured to himself, hoping I didn't catch that.

"Because you are you, Barry, that's why we all love you."

"Now this world, needs a Barry Allen. Without you, a lot of our lives would be empty. You fill up that hole. And that's what makes you so perfect." I continued, then pecked him on the cheek.

The corners of his mouth turned up into a small smile, and for a second, he seemed like the old Barry Allen, the one we all know and love. And I realised how oblivious I am to not be able to differ his fake smiles from his genuine ones. There was a stab of guilt in me.

I wiped of the remaining tears from his face, barely able to stop my own tears. Then I fixed his clothes.

"Remember what Cisco and I told you. They all stand, and we'll be there. We're just one phone call away. Now I sound like a commercial woman." I grumbled sarcastically. Barry let out a light hearted laugh, and it felt like music to my ears. Again, I felt responsible for Barry's actions for not seeing through his facade. I've known him since I was 14, and now as his girlfriend. How could I not have noticed.

"I'll call Caitlin in now, okay Barry?"

I received a firm nod in response. I looked into his eyes, and they spoke thanks.

I gestured for Caitlin and Cisco to get in. Then I ran out, tears streaming down my face.

I registered just how bad of a girlfriend I am.

How? How did I not see through his act? And why?

 _Why?_

 **Yay, here goes another crappy chapter. Totally have no idea how to write angsty stuff. Sorry bout the crappy grammar and language. Coming up, Killer Frost. Stay tuned and please review! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys! Sorry but I have to delay Killer Frost's chapter. Well, this is a chapter written with rush, so I apologise in advance for the crappy language and grammar. So, hope you enjoy!**

 _ **Barry Allen's POV**_

I stared as Caitlin walked over and stuck me with a needle, drawing my blood out. Then she walked off to run tests on my blood. I gazed at my scar-marred wrist, and thought about everything that I have heard, all the encouragements. From Cisco, and Iris.

For so long now, I have always blamed myself for every little mistake. A fireman stuck in a building. If I were faster, I could've saved him, but I couldn't because I wasn't fast enough and the structure collapsed on him. A car crash, which might not have happened if I hadn't created Flashpoint. Too many if's, second-guesses and assumptions. Come to think of it, I don't actually remember the last time I was happy, I had fun, or I felt... anything at all.

Each scar on my wrist represents a mistake, or a couple scars representing one. The reason I did this in the first place was because I believe they act as punishments. Now that they have forgiven me, could I forgive myself? Could I really, truly forgive myself for creating Flashpoint and therefore the horrible repercussions?

A wand waved at broke my thoughts.

"Ye-yes?" I looked up to see Caitlin and Cisco staring at me. Funny, where's Iris gone?

"Barry, have you been sleeping much?" Caitlin enquired, as if I was in the middle of being interrogated.

"Yes...?" I replied hesitantly. Cisco just shook his head and hid his face with his palms.

"No...? I don't really know...? I haven't been keeping track so-"

"And have you been eating?"

I was silent, then I tried to recall recent events. Last I remember eating was when Cisco shoved a fruit bar in my face and demanded I finished it.

Cisco just shook his head then sighed. He didn't even look at me as he said, "No, and no. See, the silence kinda confirms it bro."

"Which explains why your energy level is low for a human, not to mention for a meta human. It also explains the black out that happened in your lab."

Iris came back, carrying a huge box.

"Barry, I got some... things for you."

"Cool..." Cisco muttered as he rummaged through the box, tossing everything around.

"Hey!" Iris slapped his hand away. Cisco just pouted.

I walked over. Inside the box, it contained tons of nutrition bars and junk like crisps and most important of all-ice cream. There are also a couple juice boxes. Okay, so now they are not only shoving fruit bars, but all these high energy food at me. Splendid.

"Dude, you don't mind me taking this right? And this, this and this..." Cisco continued, taking a couple pack of crisps and a can of ice cream.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead."

Caitlin glared at Cisco the whole way he carried stuff to the fridge we kept. Cisco grinned back cheekily.

"How do you feel about having a pizza party in here tonight?" Caitlin asked. I thought she was asking Cisco and Iris, but turns out, she was asking me.

"Me? Oh... I appreciate it, but I have some work to do back in the lab... Captain Singh needed a lab report on that substance last a I remembered...and holy crap I'm at least 2 hours late for that report now!" I exclaimed as I dashed out of the door.

I could hear Cisco calling me back so I stopped and yelled, "What?"

Then a bunch of packet goods were tossed in my way. I carried them, and hoped that Captain Singh doesn't get on one of his furious rants.

I walked back home after a long lecture from Captain Singh. I sighed and opened the door. I slid into the sofa and sighed again. I have been crying a lot lately, and with all the crime fighting, I am totally and utterly exhausted. However, I can't very well show my team my weakness now can I?

Water. There's water everywhere, and I can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe... I'm drowning! Then I got yanked up with my hair as I desperately gasped for air.

People. A lot of people. I am surrounded with tons of people. I looked up, and saw... the man. The fireman from the burning building, the one that I couldn't save. Dig is standing next to him, holding a whip. I looked at him, pleading for forgiveness. Then without warning, the whip bit into my skin. I screamed.

And that's how I woke up. Screaming. Intuitively, I raced to the bathroom, flipping the place upside down looking for the blade. It is a little bit harder considering the team took all my blades. I started panicking and dashed to my room. I saw my phone, and like the idiot I was, I dialed Iris' phone number from my memory.

"Barry? Barry what's wrong?"

I started hyperventilating and gasped even louder for air.

"I-Iris, c-can't breathe."

"Hang on, Barry, I'm coming over."

I started pacing the floor, my whole body trembling, eventually too much and thus dropping the phone. I bumped into the wall, slid down, then buried my face in my laps and arms and started unleashing myself, crying like a newborn baby.

"Breathe, Barry, Breathe." A soft voice said as I felt a hand rubbing over my shoulders gently.

I tried, but I just can't. I just continued gasping, out of breathe.

"Focus on my voice, Barry, listen."

I tried again, but that voice seemed distant, very distant. I focused very very hard and finally, calmed down.

"That's it Barry. Breathe."

I turned around and saw Iris. Lucky this isn't the first time she saw me like this.

I searched around for my phone, then snatched it up and checked the time.

4:17 am. Just great.

"Do you wanna lay down?"

I shook my head.

"Do you wanna have a drink? Water? Soda?"

I shook my head again.

"Do you want some food then? I can order. Or do you wanna watch TV? I can put Netflix on."

I shook my head again.

"Do you...maybe want to talk about it?"

I snapped up and shook my head more vigorously.

"Then what do you want to do? Sleep...?"

I shook my head again. I cannot stand two nightmares in one night. My hand is itching for a blade to draw blood. My nails bit down onto my skin, trying to break the blood free from its restrictions.

Iris noticed, then pulled my hand away from each other gently.

"Barry, come here."

I scooted over on the floor, then leaned on Iris. I could feel Iris' fingers playing with my hair.

I must have fallen asleep again, because when I woke up, the sunlight was filtering through the blinds.

Maybe, I just might be able to get through this.

 **That's it for now. Sorry again for the crappy language and grammar. Please review! That'll be greatly appreciated. And thanks fro reading! :)**


	15. Chapter 15

_**Barry Allen's POV**_

The smell of pancakes wafted through my apartment, making me drool. I stretched, then stood up, and headed off to the kitchen.

"Hey, you're awake, Barry. I made pancakes." Iris exclaimed as she turned around, holding a spatula on one hand and a plate piled with pancakes on the other.

"I can see that. Thanks, Iris." I whispered hoarsely, my voice still raw from all the sleep I have been getting. I nibbled on the pancakes slowly.

"I called in sick for you Barry," Iris continued, continue cooking the rest of the batter. "I noticed you haven't been getting much sleep lately, and you looked so peaceful having a dreamless sleep. I didn't have the heart to wake you. It's 11 am now." Iris supplied helpfully.

I looked up from my high stack of pancakes. "You didn't have to do that." I muttered, then went back to my pancakes.

"Sure I do Barry."

She finished washing off the pans, then walked over, pulled out a chair opposite to me, and sat down.

"I'm sorry, Iris." I murmured after a while.

"What? Why are you sorry?" Iris asked, taken aback by my apology.

"I'm sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night, I'm sorry for making you stay here with me, I'm sorry for making you call in sick for work, and I'm sorry you're stuck babysitting me." I stated all in one breathe.

"Barry," she began. "You did not force me to do any of those things, okay?I did them voluntarily. Because I wanted to help you. Voluntarily. You need to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't even remotely your fault."

I didn't say anything, just kept on picking at my pancakes, studying the table.

Iris' hand slid over and overlapped mine, offering me slight comfort. After what seemed like an eternity, I finished 1 pancake, out of the entire stack.

"It's okay if you can't finish it. You can leave it in the fridge and microwave it when you're hungry."

Either Iris is a mind reader or she just knows me really well. I shot her a grateful look, then stored the pancakes away.

When I came back, Iris was setting up for a film.

"Star wars? It is your favourite after all."

I nodded gratefully at her, then sunk into the sofa.

How lucky I am to have friends like Iris, who is still willing to stick with me through my darkest times.

 _ **Caitlin Snow's POV**_

I watched as my hand shot out blasts of cold air and ice. What is going on? What is wrong with me?

I stared ahead into a mirror, and watched as streaks of my hair turned white and my eyes turned icy blue. My lips are also tinged blue.

I understood now. Killer Frost. I am becoming her. I am dangerous.

What could've caused this? What could've caused this dramatic change in my life. Surely, cold powers aren't in my genes, and I only started feeling weird after that night when Barry-

 _Of course. Flashpoint._

A surge of anger rushed through me as I blasted a vase furiously.

My mouth hung open in shock. The once complete vase was blasted into a million pieces on the floor, rendering useless.

What had I done?

I gaped at the chaos I had wrecked at my house, using only both my hands.

Then I realised it. I couldn't control my powers. That explains everything, the recent memory flashes, being snappy and annoyed all the time...

I have to talk to Cisco, get him to make a device that can suppress my powers for now. I cannot very well go round town wrecking havoc when I am not in the right mind now can I.

That was the last thing I remembered before ending up in one of the containment cells in star labs.

 **Sorry guys, didn't update yesterday as I wasn't home for a lot of the time. And I wasn't home until just now, and I'm exhausted, which explains why this chapter is crappier than usual. Still, thanks for reading. Stay tuned for the next chapter, Killer Frost taking over Caitlin's body. And please review: Do you think I should add Savitar to the story? Yes? No? I'd like to hear suggestions please. Again, sorry for crappy language and grammar. I hope you enjoyed it despite all that. :) Have a nice day, stay tuned and review! :)**


	16. Chapter 16

_**Killer Frost's POV**_

I can feel Caitlin's thoughts racing through her mind. Is it anger, or is it confusion? Or is it finally dawning on her that she is not in control of her body, or actions? That I am taking control of her?

Her conscious does annoying yap-yap-yapping as I take over her mind. Finally, I managed to shut that voice up. I strolled out of the door, passing by a mirror in between. I stared at my reflection, full on white hair, blue lips and icy eyes. That's me alright, not chestnut brown hair and red lipstick and the Caitlin we all know and love. Try to control me Caitlin? I thought I told you it won't end well. Ooops, correction. It will NEVER end well, or according to your ridiculous mundane plans.

A smirk played with my mouth. I sent blasts of icicles and cold air everywhere as I strode through the streets, heading towards the one and only star labs, where I can play the Caitlin they all know and love, then kill them, tear them to the last piece of flesh. Sounds like I have a fun day ahead. Speaking of, blasting everything is starting to get really tedious. I sighed, then created an ice way, as I slid past everything quickly, the surroundings blurring into invaluable nothings.

At last, I arrived at star labs. I rubbed my hands together as I entered the cortex of the lab. Seems like play time is about to begin. I grinned, as I entered the discussion room, or where they were having a pointless conversation on how to stop Savitar or something. Well, news flash, nobody cares.

"Well, since this new meta has the ability to remove friction from the floor and still be able to walk normally while other people slip and splat, think we should call him "friction master". What'd you say dude?" He asked Barry.

I couldn't help but chuckle as everybody turned and stared at me. That only made me laugh even harder.

"Seriously, Cisco, what kind of name is "Friction master"? That is the worst nickname you have ever gave our metas. Actually, scratch that, you never managed to give a good name to any of our metas. And to think that you actually prided yourself in doing the naming..." I continued to snicker as everybody looked at me.

"K-k-killer frost...?" Cisco stuttered.

"No just me, darling Cisco. Caitlin. I just never told any of you how I truly felt. Honestly, I am so sick and tired of the little charade you guys play, where you pretend to like everyone. Isn't that true, Cisco? You actually loathe Barry for indirectly, or directly, killing your brother. I bet Dig actually abhors Barry for removing his precious daughter from his life. Isn't that right?"

I stepped towards Barry, tilting his chin up as I taunted him.

"And you, pathetic little baby, decided to cut yourself, to punish yourself for creating Flashpoint. Oh, I have never ever heard of something more hilarious. Did you know that laughing could extend your life span? Well, despite being an excellent, or totally crappy CSI, I bet you didn't know. Thank you, for extending my life span, honestly, Barry. You do realise that the damage you caused are irreversible right? Oh and don't cry like a little baby, I hate to always be the right one, it is extremely exhausting. See Barry, no matter what your brilliant, or totally mindless team tell you, you do notice that they're all lies, right? Or you actually don't do you? I could practically smell your stupidity wafting in this room."

"Cisco, can't you fix her cuffs or something?" Iris yelled across the room.

I could see the resolve in Barry breaking, crushing into a million pieces of rubble. To think I broke the flash, what an accomplishment.

"You see, Barry. Every single accident, every single person you couldn't save, that is all your fault, entirely yours, and nobody else's. Because they wouldn't have to die, if it weren't for you and your godforsaken speed. Overestimating yourself, your narcissism, thinking that you are a god, but you see Barry, cold hard truth is, you aren't. You are just a pitiful person, with super speed, destined to ruin everybody's lives."

Tears started trickling down his face. I smiled.

"Oh? Did I make baby Barry cry, Do I need to-"

Something heavy hit me from behind as I fell down on the floor. Dammit, I shouldn't have let my guard down. Just when I was having absolute fun, the knock me out.

 _ **Caitlin Snow's POV**_

I woke up and rubbed my eyes. Stretched, then my hands hit a wall. A blue, tiled wall to be exact. Panic rising, I stood up, and saw 3 blue tiled walls and a glass door with a handle. This is star labs alright, the underground pipeline used for meta humans. What happened? Why am I locked up in here?

The door opened, and Cisco walked in, holding a necklace in his hands.

"Cisco, what is going on...? Why am I locked up in the pipeline?" I asked, staring into his eyes.

Ignoring me, Cisco opened the cell door, then a blur of red surrounded me. Next thing I know, the necklace was around my neck.

"Well, thank you for the gift Cisco, but why do you have to put it on me? I can put it on myself."

Cisco eyed me suspiciously, then enquired, "What do you remember of the last 2 hours?"

Weird question. I looked at Cisco, then Barry. Barry had his head down, fumbling with his fingers and his eyes looked red, as if he just finished crying.

"Well, I was at home, and uhh... I accidentally blasted my vase using my cold powers. I was about to look for you then I blacked out. Then I woke up in this cell. Why? What happened?"

Sighing, Cisco gazed at me, then explained, " Well, Killer frost took over your body, then wrecked havoc in the city, then said some...things to us that I'd rather not repeat. Then Iris knocked you up and we put you here. That necklace, has a power dampening pendant. It will stop you from becoming killer frost in short."

"Thanks Cisco."

Awkward silence filled the room. Oh gosh, what did I say to them...?

"What did I say to make you guys look like this?"

"Nothing, nothing important at all. The important thing is, you're not killer frost, which means you're not gonna kill us. Welcome back!" Cisco remarked as he enveloped me in a bear hug. Not so convincing bear hug, I might add.

 _What did I do this time?_

 **Killer frost, as requested. Sorry this chapter is a bit plain and boring maybe. Will this trigger barry to a relapse? Read, stay tuned and you'll find out. Apologies for crappy language and grammar. And it'll be highly appreciated if you review! Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed!**


	17. Chapter 17

_**Caitlin Snow's POV**_

Ever since that day I ended up in the pipeline, Barry has been avoiding me, not so subtly I might add. He barely even looks at me. Every time our eyes cross paths, he looks away immediately, but even that rarely happens. He looks at the ground, fumbling with his fingers each time we have a group discussion.

So today, I asked if he could stay behind to talk. In that one millisecond he looked at me, I saw panic and fear in his eyes. A gaze which made me stumble backwards a bit. Was he afraid of me?

"Can we talk, Barry?" I said, trying to catch his gaze.

"Do we have to...?" He replied hesitantly.

"No, we can later if it's alright with you."

He nodded, then left the room, not even looking at me one time throughout the short conversation.

If Barry wouldn't tell me, then perhaps Cisco would.

And there are only 2 places Cisco would be in star labs. The meeting room, or his lab. Since he isn't in the meeting room, I hurried into his lab.

"Cisco, do you mind doing me one small favor? Just a really tiny one-"

He spun his chair around from fixing the whatever device he's fiddling with, stared me right in the eye, then answered, "Yeah, Caitlin. What's up?"

I pulled up a chair and sat opposite to him.

"Tell me what I told Barry the other day I got locked up."

He visibly panicked, anxiously, he stammered, "I, see, I-I can't. I was instructed to not r-repeat the-uh, stuff you said. M sorry Caitlin. Nothing can do."

Immediately, he spun his chair back and continued fixing his device, whatever it was. But this times, his hands were shaking faintly.

Sighing, I stood up and left.

Leaving me with no other option, I decided to have a long overdue chat with killer frost.

But how exactly, does this thing work, because I don't exactly have experience with this kinda stuff. And nobody will help me, especially Cisco and Barry.

 _Ok, Caitlin, focus._

 _Hello? Anybody here?_

Silence greeted me.

 _Killer Frost? You there?_

Again, silence greeted me.

Right, of course. Others will definitely think I'm nuts, talking to themselves, expecting an answer. Now, I have no way of knowing what I said to them.

Frustrated, I threw my hands up in the air, and slammed them on the nearest table. The table split into to right where I landed the blow.

Oh dear god, killer frost is getting out.

 _You calling for me dear?_

A voice rang out, a very sinister one.

 _Killer Frost right? Thanks to whatever you said to my friends, you ruined our relationship, alright? Now Barry won't even look at me. What did you say to them?_

A chuckle, then a loud laugh.

 _Caitlin, dear. I merely told them the truth._

 _The what now?_

 _The truth. Of how you felt._

 _About what, exactly._

 _Everything. I told Barry whatever he did to himself was pathetic, Cisco sucks in nicknaming, and that everyone blames Barry for Flashpoint._

"You did what now?" I raged, not noticing that the team reassembled in the room. They stared at me, surprised by the paroxysm.

"We just caught the meta. Why, what's wrong?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing. I wasn't talking to you, sorry. Continue on."

 _You see, Caitlin. Everything I say, it's how you truly feel. You can't suppress your feelings like that. It' s unhealthy, like the shrinks always tell you._

"No, no, it's not true, I don't blame Barry for Flashpoint..."

 _Who are you kidding. You want to avenge yourself. You have always blamed him for making you me, although I don't see why it's such a curse. Having cold powers is-_

"Shut up, shut up, JUST SHUT UP!"

Everyone in the room stared at me, some even concerned.

"Caitlin, are you okay?" Cisco asked as he slowly crept near me.

"Stay away, just stay away!" I yelled at them. Everybody looked stunned and shocked by my behavior.

I could feel scrutinizing glares on me, analyzing my next move.

Without thinking, I dashed out of the room.

 _How on Earth am I gonna fix this?_

 **Yup, there goes. Sucks, I know. M sorry. My English isn't that good. Again, apologies for crappy language and grammar. Next time, enter Barry Allen. Please review, and I hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned till next time!**


	18. Chapter 18

_**Barry Allen's POV**_

We all sat in the room after Caitlin, or killer frost left. To be honest, it didn't really matter which one. Cisco and Iris sat across me, as tears streamed down my face. Angrily, I wiped away some of the tears. Caitlin was right, it's pathetic. I might not have cut myself in 2 weeks, courtesy to team Flash confiscating them, but whose to say I can't go back and do it without anyone noticing.

Tense and uncomfortable silence filled the room. The silence left my head throbbing, thoughts swirling around like some kind of tornado. As usual, Caitlin was right. She was always right. Of course. Everybody in this team hates me, loathes me, abhors me, contempts me. They only pretend to like me because I made my personal problems public, and therefore forcing everyone to take part in this little charade. Who am I kidding, to think that everyone truly forgave me for messing with time. To expect Cisco to exonerate me for killing his brother is like asking me to forgive Eobard Thawne for murdering my mother. I let out a cold chuckle. Here I am, an adult, but still having childish and naive thoughts.

Perhaps, if I could make my punishment permanent, wouldn't that be better?

Abruptly, I stood up, disrupting the silence in the room. Cisco and Iris looked up from their seats with questioning eyes.

"Hey, man, sit down, you know what-"

"Killer frost said isn't true? Or that you don't blame me for your brother's death anymore?" I giggled. "Fine. I will humor you Cisco. Yes, I know it isn't true, and I know you have forgiven me a long time ago."

I glared at them, although I know I don't actually have a right to. "Right, right of course. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go out and think some stuff through. Do not bother to look for me."

With that, I left the cortex, and ran for 5 kilometers in my metahuman speed, then slowed down, and started walking, letting my legs guide me. Somehow, I ended up on a building in star city. Huh. Maybe my mind missed Team Arrow.

But they don't miss you. They even despise you.

I gazed down from the top of the building. What a beautiful view, honestly. I used to be afraid of heights, but now, staring down from a forty story building, the sight was almost calming and comforting.

Tonight, everything ends. The Flash will be gone, as if it never existed. Iris, can find a better boyfriend, one she deserves. Cisco, can take my picture and bash it into god knows how many pieces, or use my picture for dart practise for all I care. Tonight, Barry Allen disappears, and the world becomes a much better place without him.

I stepped onto the ledge, then spun around. The cool autumn air blew against my shirt, and I shivered. Slowly, I inched backwards, then suddenly, I was free falling through the air. Everything around me became insignificant nothings, and blurred as I passed through them. Smiling, I anticipated a last ending of my life. A perfect full stop.

People just love to ruin my plans, don't they. Interfering into my personal business, watching my every move like a hawk. I came to Star city to make sure no one could be quick enough to catch up with me. Of course, I forgot to count in Team Arrow in this game.

Just as checkmate was within reach, a gust of wind blew by and I was surfing through the air, ending up on another roof on another building.

Anger was pulsing through my veins. Can't everyone grant me one last wish?

Then my lips quirked into a smile. You wanna play this game, Arrow? Fine, I will entertain you. But just so you know, you will never, ever be fast enough.

Just as I was about to leap into the air, a dart hit me in my leg. A tranq tart. Just brilliant. Black spots stole my vision as I faded out of consciousness.

Once my vision was returned, I searched around the arrow cave quietly. I must have drained through the tranq dart quickly, because I was only out for about half an hour. Stop me once, can't stop me twice.

I almost shouted in triumph as I found a bottle of Ibuprofen. A medicine for stopping pain. Perhaps it can take away all my pain as well.

Popping it open, my mouth broke into a huge grin. It was full, probably around 70 or so tablets. Quickly, I dumped all the contents in my mouth and swallowed it. Carelessly, I let the bottle clatter on the floor, echoing throughout the entire cave. But I am too tired, too exhausted to pick up the bottle. It doesn't matter anyway, not that it will alter the time line. I chuckled at my little joke. How hilarious.

I enjoyed the calmness that float through my mind, and I could feel myself slipping under.

That was, until, the idiots in Team Arrow decided to pump my stomach.

For the second time that night, I woke up. Staring up to the bright white lights on the ceiling, I giggled happily. I rolled over, then ended up on the floor with a loud splat.

"Is this heaven? Or is this hell?" I asked, my face still touching the floor.

"Neither, you ass."

I recognized that voice, but who was it? I groaned as I came to that realisation. Oliver.

"What do you want from me?" I asked. These people are infuriating. I don't know how many times I have already said this, but LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

"Let me help you. The proper words are... Thank you for saving my life."

Felicity.

"Thank you, but it's all going to waste."

I sprinted to the arrow display using my super speed, then picked up an arrow and tried to jab it through my chest.

Needless to say, that didn't work either. Oliver shot the arrow away from my grasp.

Frustrated, I screamed at them.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I DIDNT ASK FOR ANY OF YOUR HELP NOW DID I? SO LEAVE ME ALONE! WHICH WORD DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND IN THAT SENTENCE HUH? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I WANNA DIE, OKAY, I AM TIRED. LET ME BE! I WANNA-"

Have I mentioned how much I hate myself? Tears started pooling out of my eyes and trickled down my face. Shakily, I reached for another arrow, but the newbies and Oliver pulled me back, I tried fighting them, but they were just too strong.

I struggled weakly as I felt a needle through my neck. _A sedative_.

For the umpteenth time, I blacked out.

"Just what are we gonna do with you, Barry?" Oliver mumbled with a sigh.

 **kay. I know it's crap, but my brain's stuffed with grass and can't come up with anything better. Sill hoping very hard you enjoyed it. Again, apologies for crappy language and grammar. Reviews are greatly appreciated. Next time, enter team arrow and Barry. Stay tuned, and i hope you enjoyed! :)**


	19. Chapter 19

_**Oliver Queen's POV**_

Looking at Barry's un-moving form on the bench made me think about all those times the darkness consumed me. I have always thought of myself as a monster, one that enjoyed killing. The reason why I was so reluctant to expand the team was because everyone around me always gets hurt, or killed, like Laurel. Every decision I make could easily affect my team, or their fate. I basically control who lives and who dies.

I also decide the future of the city. For example, if I had let Damien Dahrk roam this city free, then star city would be no more.

All this has always made me think about one thing: was my dad's suicide in vain? He wanted me to live, but was that really a wise choice?

Come to think of it, Slade Wilson happened because of me. Ra's Al Ghul happened because of me. Vigilante happened because of me. And now Prometheus, also happened because of me. Which begs the question: would this city be better off if I hadn't returned?

I thought I wanted to make this city safer, but instead I might have caused an opposite effect.

Barry started to stir, which pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Hey, Oliver, what the hell m I doing here?" He demanded once he realised where he was.

He tried to get up, but we cuffed his hands in case he tries something again.

"And do me the courtesy of explaining why exactly I'm tied up like a criminal? What do you have installed for me? Cuz I am a busy man, you see. I need to get back-"

"To trying to kill yourself, Barry?"

"Are you going to lie to me, Oliver? Like everybody else did? Is this also a charade?" He asked in a really low voice.

That surprised me. I was expecting more of a denial.

I sighed heavily, then pulled a chair and sat down next to his bed.

"Barry. Listen to me, and don't interrupt. Yes, I am going to give you the talk. Just shut up and listen."

He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again, then snapped it shut. Clearly, he was annoyed.

"You remember what I told you inside that vault right? In star labs back when the dominators attacked us? Well, recall how I told you I was missing for 5 years? Those 5 years weren't all spent on Lian Yu. I was dragged onto a ship, was a prisoner for some time, escaped, hired by an A.R.G.U.S agent, killed, joined the Bratva, killed a lot more, then came back here. I killed so many during those 5 years that I lost count. When I came back to the city to become the arrow, a lot more problems popped up. Sometimes, it makes me wonder whether I should have just stayed on Lian Yu for the rest of my life. People I recruited for my little crusade died, like Laurel. I am willing to risk my life to save my own city, but I am not willing to sacrifice my teammates' lives because of me. I may not show it, but every time my team mates get hurt, I feel very guilty, and angry at myself for allowing them to get hurt, or not being to protect all of them. Because I decided to pursue some criminal, and allowed them to join me.

"Sometimes, I'm angry that I started all this in the first place, ending up with so many unnecessary deaths and casualties. A lot of innocents got hurt because of psychotic criminals that decided to avenge their partners. But many people have started to rely on me to guard this city. They trust me. And I don't plan on letting them down.

"Just like the citizens star city need the arrow, people in central city need the flash. Sure you might have made some erroneous decisions, but I have too. I look into you eyes, and I see you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

"Yeah, Oliver here always feels the same too. And trust me it's not easy trying to talk him out of his mind. Trust me I have no idea how we got stuck with one stubborn Oliver Queen. " Felicity joked as she walked over, her heels clicking on the floor.

I waited for her to wander back to her beloved computer set before continuing.

"Your teammates are there for you. You have got to stop pushing them away. "

"It's not even about that anymore, Oliver. They hate me, they have always hated me. But because I decided to burden them with my problems, they fake a smile and pretend to like me. Secretly, they loathe me. They have fed me so many many lies, and I am so sick and tired of this game they're playing. I quit. I'm done. I'm tired Oliver. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't know if I can."

"Uh, Barry, your phone was dead. I just plugged it in and there are about..." Felicity trails off as she scrolls down Barry's phone.

"I don't know how many messages and missed calls there are here. Are you so sure that they hate you? Or did you just ignore what they keep telling you repeatedly? Calls from Iris, Joe, Cisco and..."

She stuck her hand in her purse and started digging for something. Her phone, probably.

"Speak of the devil..." she mumbled.

"Hey Cisco, yeah, Barry?" She looked at Barry and me. I shook my head and signaled her not to tell Cisco anything...important.

"Yup, he was here last night. What he was doing?" She looked at me. I mouthed the words "movie night".

"Ahh...we had a movie night last night... yeah... he's fine. Hey speaking of, do you any suggestions on the designs I sent you?..." she chatted off happily with a member of the "Geek squad", as I like to call it.

"Stop blaming yourself, Barry. And trust your teammates. They didn't lie to you. They were speaking the truth. You just refuse to acknowledge that it's real."

"Oliver, if you're done with your little story telling, I would highly appreciate it if you uncuff me."

As I reached for the keys, Felicity's shrill voice rang through.

"Oliver! Hostage situation in the star city general."

I offered my hand to Barry.

"You up for a little ass-kicking Barry? It'd be fun to team up." Felicity asked hopefully, like a little kid begging for chocolate.

"Yeah, no. I'm just gonna, go. Sorry to trouble you guys." And then he sped off.

If he keeps thinking like that... I know what will happen, and nobody's gonna like it.

 **Okay I know it's crappy, I can't think, can't think m sorry. Open to any and all suggestions. Please review! Sorry for crappy language and grammar and content. Where will Barry go? What will he do? Stay tuned till the next time and please review! :)**


	20. Chapter 20

_**Barry Allen's POV**_

I did the only thing I was good at. Run. Or so I thought. I slammed into a wall, not vibrating quick enough to phase through it. I tried I couple more times, but still had no avail.

So I ran the other way. For a moment, I just ran, just felt the feeling of the wind blowing against my face and watched everything blur past me. I wonder if I could go quick enough to open a breach to space, where there's no oxygen. That might be an effective way too, seeing as nobody would be able to stop me this time.

Suddenly, a breach opened up in front of me. I wonder, just where this breach is to. Hesitantly, I put one foot in the breach. Next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, my head pounding. I took a look around me. Definitely not space, nope. Then I saw someone glaring down at me.

"Is-is this earth 2?" I asked the figure.

"Nope, buddy. You are a giant nitwit, Barry. Did you know how hard it was to find you?"

I stood up, then removed the invisible dust from my clothes, refusing to meet his eyes.

"I didn't ask for you to find me. And if I really am such a burden, then why don't you just leave me alone?" I sighed tiredly.

"Okay, okay. That's enough. You, are going back to star labs with me. And we, are going to have a little chat."

"You mean, with power-dampening glass in between? You are gonna throw me in the pipeline aren't you?"

Shocked, Cisco stared into me.

"What makes you think that I'd do that to you, bro-"

"Judging by the fact that you hate me and faked smiles around me and played along with that little charade? I wouldn't be surprised if you came up with devices for torture. So what is it, huh? What devices did you invent?"

I know I absolutely did not have the right to question him like that, but I just couldn't stop my mouth from speaking without thinking. Perhaps because I really am a brainless idiot after all.

"Barry, do you know where we are?"

I shook my head no. Then started looking for a sign that could tell me where the hell I got myself stuck in. Seems like I just couldn't stay out of trouble, could I.

"Hub city."

The infamous city of crime. At least according to my knowledge, one of them.

"How did you find me?"

"Well, in arrowcave, Oliver might or might not have put a tracking chip on you, then we-"

"You know what? I don't even want to know. Cisco, leave me. Alone. I am a burden to all of you, and that should end. Now." I said with finality, then turned and left.

Cisco, however, had something different in mind. He dragged me by my arm into a breach.

That's how I ended up in star labs.

Iris and Caitlin sat by the computers. Cisco took off his glasses and set them on the counter. Then he gestured me to walk with him. Caitlin and Iris just stared ads I trotted by.

We ended up in the vault. He stared me right in the eye.

"Barry. You need to listen to me. I DO NOT, and I repeat, I DO NOT hate you. Not one bit. Listen to me, Barry. None of us hate you. And you are not a burden. You are a hero. The Flash. A lot of people in this city admire you, look up to you, and rely on you."

"And a lot of problems happen because of me. Reverse flash? Because of me. Zoom? Because of me. Savitar? because of me, because of flashpoint, and is me. All that proves one point- I am the dead weight. Do you even know how many citizens wouldn't be harmed or killed if it wasn't for me? A real hero would not cause problems. A real hero would be able to save EVERYONE and not harm anyone. A real hero wouldn't need help from other people because they could fight them on their own, because they are strong enough. I am NOT a hero, in fact, I am everything that a hero isn't. _"_ I exclaimed, all the while making hand gestures and jabbing a finger into myself, my voice starting to shake. But I can't break down, not now.

Cisco put a hand on my shoulder, telling me to breathe.

Slowly, I calmed down.

"Which is why you all should stay away from me. I am trying to protect you, by not being anywhere near you. So they can't come after any of you when they're trying to avenge themselves, whether it is because they remember flashpoint or they just hold a grudge against me." I concluded, looking down at the floor.

Cisco sighed.

"Barry, we are stronger together, remember?"

"No-none of this stronger together crap, Cisco. Yo-you know damn well how untrue that statement is. If you guys are in my perimeter, you guys will all be harmed, or be in danger. I cannot put any of you in harm's way. Not anymore. I can't take it if any of you are hurt because me. Not again." I stuttered through my words, anxious to get out of there.

"Are you so sure bout that dude? Remember when you started being the flash, you were the body and we were the brain? You would dash out there and then we would tell you how to defeat the baddies. That stayed the same until today, even when we had fights, the baddies always make us resolve our issues." Slowly, he started stepping towards me. I started scooting backwards.

"How about the times when Caitlin got kidnapped? Or when Iris got harmed? All that was because of me."

"Barry. I think you need to stop blaming yourself and-and-and start believing in what we tell you."

"Why, Cisco, why do you still trust me? You don't have to fake smiles around me anymore, I know very well how much you hate me."

"For the last time, Barry, I DO NOT HATE YOU IN ANY WAY. YOU, Barry Allen, The flash, are my BEST FRIEND."

Intense silence filled the room.

"What do you need me to do to believe me, Barry? Cuz I can prove it."

I thought for a long time. I really want to believe him, I do. But, should I? Because it will just bring them harm. And Savitar is still out there.

"I-I believe you, Cisco. But, I'm dangerous. You all should leave me."

"Barry. Why do you think we stuck with you through all those times? Because we believe in you. We want to be with you, we want to help you fight. Voluntarily. You didn't force any of this."

Finally, he stepped in front of me. He took my arms, pushed up the sleeves, and faced my wrist up. I winced at the sight of them.

"That is why, you need to tell us how you're feeling. We will listen, and we will help you. Don't think that it's a burden, because it isn't. We all have bad days. Caitlin, when she lost Ronnie. She talked to us after you came along. And see? That made her better. She's happy now, at least."

"I'm supposed to be the hero, the one who's supposed to be strong. Crying and talking to all of you about my personal feelings? That's pathetic and makes me feel worthless and stupid. Further proving that I am no hero."

"Then let me tell you what happens when you keep it all in. I know what really happened yesterday, Barry. Movie night?"

I tensed up, and my arms flinched as he caressed the scars on my wrist.

"We can't lose you, Barry. If you do that, then we will really hate you."

"So, enlighten me on how you're feeling now?"

"Better."

"What were you really doing when I found you?"

I stopped talking, words forming in my brain trying to make one coherent sentence. I opened and closed my mouth multiple times. Then I muttered as quiet as possible "I was trying to open a breach to um, space, if that even is a possible thing. It's stupid really. Don't worry about it. I'm fine." I laughed uneasily, trying to lighten the mood.

Cisco took the information, and used a couple minutes to digest it. Great job, Barry. Now he thinks you're just downright useless and crazy. Probably send you to a nuthouse.

Realisation dawned on him, and he came forward and engulfed me in a bear hug.

"Barry, no offense, but I think you should see a shrink."

Time seem to have frozen the moment those words left his mouth. So he does think I'm insane now huh.

"And by shrink I mean Caitlin because we can't have the officers knowing you're the flash now can we."

I still stood frozen.

He reached for his pockets, then pulled out an orange bottle.

Anti-psychotics. Maybe.

"These are anti-depressants. I think you'll be needing them. M not forcing you, just if you need them. And you can always call me if you're feeling blue. I'm willing to lend a ear to listen."

Then he walked out of the room.

"Hey Cisco!"

He spun around and looked at me.

"You're not gonna tell the rest what happened last night right?"

"No dude. Not my secret to tell. But a word of advice? You'll feel much better if you told them."

Then he left me standing alone, clutching a bottle of pills in the middle of the vault.

What next? What do I do now?

 **MAJOR PROBLEM. This story is straying so far from the original plot line. Really sorry for that. And the crappy content and grammar and language and everything. Next time its Barry Caitlin friendship a little. Story probably ends in 2-3 chaps. Then I'll be writing one-shots or other stories. Thanks and please review! Hope you enjoyed! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

_**Third-person's POV**_

Barry watched as Cisco strolled out of the vault, clutching tightly the bottle of anti-depressants he was given.

He fiddled with it for a while. Then, he popped the cap open, and took out a pill. The green and white pill sat innocently on the palm of his hand, staring up at him.

Very slowly and reluctantly, Barry put the pill into his mouth and swallowed it dry.

Comfortable silence filled the room. Barry was relishing in his alone-time when Caitlin's voice rang over the p.a system.

"Barry, meta attack in the park."

He groaned at someone disrupting his well-enjoyed silence, pocketed the little bottle, then sped out of the lab.

Barry glared at the bottle on his white marble table, half filled with prozac.

Sure, the pills made him less depressed, but it also made him feel numb. Like he couldn't feel anything. Like nothing mattered and everything and everyone was just there for the sole purpose of being there.

It was like he couldn't feel anything at all. All the thoughts were still there, but it's as if everything happened in slow motion.

So he picked up the bottle and tossed it in the bin.

And walked to the store to get himself a packet of razor blades.

And sliced open his diced up arm again.

And again.

And again.

He watched as the little droplets of crimson liquid slowly bubbled up, and slid down his arm, splatting on the wooden floors.

And for a short second, it's as if he could feel again, like he was alive again, like he was somehow... complete.

But that was ephemeral. Nothing was perpetual these days. So he hid it from the team. From Joe. From Iris. From anyone who cared about him.

Because he could not bear to see the disappointed looks on their faces again. He made sure to be extra careful, buying jumpers with extra long sleeves.

A long time ago, he had ran out of space on his arm. Each time he cut overlapping the previous marks, it would hurt less, and less, and less, until it was just blood.

So he moved downwards, down through his stomach, then hips, then thighs.

The sharp stinging was welcoming and addicting. He wanted more. This new pain was inviting, intriguing in so many different ways.

Barry still went to work, ran around the city helping people, fixed the crumbled pieces of debris of his walls into a thicker, and harder one. Almost impenetrable. Put on smiles, and played along with everybody's little charade.

He couldn't even wear shorts now, fearing people discovering his little secret, and take it away from him again.

Some people might have noticed, others might not have. Only if you look very very closely, examining every little detail as if it's crucial to saving someone's life, will you realise.

That Barry Allen, was only a broken shell, that resembled the formerly charismatic and winsome guy that everybody knew and loved.

 **End. Sorry I know it's been a very very long time since the last update. I've been watching a new TV show while the arrowverse shows are still shooting the newest seasons-Teen wolf. And I have to say, it is an incredible and remarkable TV show. Sadly the last season has already premiered and only 8 more episodes are to be released. I'm so gonna miss the cast on TV! So check it out if you haven't watched it. It is a production that cannot be described by words. Well anyway, thank you everyone for sticking through the entire story, although it's pretty crappy. I hope you guys can review of PM me some writing suggestions on how to improve for the upcoming one shots. Thanks and I really hope you enjoyed!**


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